I realized a minute ago I’m sad. Not depressed but a combination of lonely and sad. I’ve been obsessed today with wishing I had cancer. I wish I had it instead of my son. I would love to trade places with him. It’s not that I particularly want to die but if I have to go is a noble way. Plus in my sick mind it’d be a good way to lose weight with chemo and radiation. Do people without mental health issues think this way? I know I’ve whined before that I wish I could be in a normal brain for a day but really it give me a perspective on if the things I think are normal life or due to my brains weird wiring. I know it’d never happen and that makes me sad. I’m lonely as I’m reminded how this year was supposed to be about passion and here it is may and I’m still stuck in the same thought patterns. I try to think about ways to be passionate but it’s all exhausting. God help me I just want a different life.