I made a bad judgement call as work. I don’t talk about work as much as I would like too since this is a public blog. I am stuck deep in my head over something that is not the end of the world. How swiftly the desire to harm myself or take too many pills comes back. This new position was suppose to be less stressful but with my poor choice skills I guess I am doomed everywhere.
The anxiety is so bad I can’t think about anything else, Even my Klonopine can’t quiet the ache in my soul. When I get this bad I want to go to a hospital and get some real help. But my fear of not appearing strong for my children blocks that, I can’t afford to get a different job the trappings of living in an area with limited available jobs.
I am beating myself up I know I am. I have picked up vaping and the nicotine does calm me. I try not to do it the morning but I had to so I could have it help where the klonopine is not.
I don’t want to die i just want to be normal. In true BP thinking not existing is the only cure. I haven;t cried in ages thanks to medicine but I am so stuck in my head the tears are welling up, Is there anyone who can help me? I feel like all I do is whine and all my positive vibes are gone,
What a horrible spiral I find myself in,