Depressed and Angry or Hypomania and Angry?


Starting yesterday I felt a switch in my brain. Depression. I am filled with hatred at the world and everything in it…. including myself. It is confusing as hypo mania shows as anger as well. I am trying to have mindfulness of knowing which side of the pendelum I am on.

I do think it is depression. Suicidal ideation is back. Wanting to drink, overspend, binge, and eat klonopine. The hyper sexual thoughts are gone. The main reason I think it is the depression side. I think for the last three weeks I have been more on a hypo swing BUT maybe I have been where my “normal” is. Trying to figure this out is daunting. Trying to learn triggers is daunting. I do appreciate knowing to look for them instead of being oblivious to my true mental illness. Breaking the cycles though are proving harder.

I have always needed to feel special. I emotionally cut myself on the past trying to hold or re-capture that feeling of being important to people. My main issue and a great point hubby made on Sunday is I give so much of myself. I project this caring, loving, empathetic person. I do think I am those. I don’t believe this is a all fake. The issue is I do it selfishly and when the person doesn’t acknowledge or recipocate  the same way I am left obsessive and resentful/angered.

Thus the quote above. I NEVER know when to let toxic people go. I ALWAYS let myself take one act of attention pull me into an obsessive need to have some connection constantly. I cant get it through my mind to enjoy the moment and let it be a good memory instead of some neediness deep within that I hang my self worth upon.

I am going to put my energy (or force my energy) into productive things like cleaning my messy house and deciding what I want to add to my city wide garage sale stuff. That way I can work this shit out amd feel accomplished! Wish me luck 😀

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8 thoughts on “Depressed and Angry or Hypomania and Angry?

  1. There seems to be a theme of people who switch, switching… I’ve gone more to my hyper stage. Sleeplessness, agitated and anxious more than usual, super motivated about everything… but at the same time very self aware and self judging.

    Thinking of you and sending hugs.

    Eddie x

    1. Do you think it’s a season thing? Though i think its the toxic person popping back up that did mine. I do miss the other side this depressive side just hurts. Bluck. Thanks for reading btw 😀

  2. It all comes down to perception. How we see ourselves and how others see us. I wonder about the use of the word anger and question whether it is frustration you are dealing with?

    I dislike the word “toxic” and think that it is overused. When toxic is used I tend flip the situation and think maybe the real problem is that I simply cannot effectively deal with the situation; that is, that a lack resiliance and understanding. And in the past that sometimes came about because of my distorted perception of events and actions. I think that I was paranois too, taking the view that toxic people were out to get me and that is why I perceived them as “toxic”. Blaming the other person was easy. Realising that I was the problem was a far greater challenge.

    Fortunately for me, seroquel changed my perceptions and I have not looked back since. I have repaired relationships with people I used to perceive as toxic, most specifically my mother whom I hated with a passion for over a decade.

    Change your perceptions and your thinking changes. And when your thinking changes your ability to foster and maintain relationships can change dramatically. I have empathy and understanding where there was previously none. And I enjoy better and more stable relationships.

    1. I respect what you are saying and agree one hundred on most of it. Maybe i should clarify because i think we might be in same perception page. When i say toxic it isn’t a full reflection of the person. More of a … my reaction to the person or situation is toxic. I’m not trying to put all blame on me negatively … but i think its accurate. I know i need to change my thinking and taking a friend who hasn’t spoken to me wanting to catch up at face value. Not turn it into some obsessive issue expecting attention completely and when the conversation is over the next day i expect a call or text and when i don’t get it I feel worthless. That’s in me and i need to learn to change that thinking. I do think though that my ex’s contact me when they feel some self esteem issues cuz. I pay attention to them and once they get their attention from me they go on about their life until the next time they need an ego talk.

      I hope that made sense lol anyway that is on them but i think more on me for instantly letting it happen? ????

  3. I am sorry your going through this, remember if you ever want to just talk extra or vent you can do that with us( with me just leave a comment on my page and I’ll always respond) yeah I went through a depressive period a couple weeks back. Not fun. And I know what you mean about having to feel special. This is a constant issue with me personally ( my dragon – one of them) I have learned it’s gonna take some time for healing though and for me spiritual healing and perceptive has helped the most. Well I hope you have a better day tomorrow

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