Starting yesterday I felt a switch in my brain. Depression. I am filled with hatred at the world and everything in it…. including myself. It is confusing as hypo mania shows as anger as well. I am trying to have mindfulness of knowing which side of the pendelum I am on.
I do think it is depression. Suicidal ideation is back. Wanting to drink, overspend, binge, and eat klonopine. The hyper sexual thoughts are gone. The main reason I think it is the depression side. I think for the last three weeks I have been more on a hypo swing BUT maybe I have been where my “normal” is. Trying to figure this out is daunting. Trying to learn triggers is daunting. I do appreciate knowing to look for them instead of being oblivious to my true mental illness. Breaking the cycles though are proving harder.
I have always needed to feel special. I emotionally cut myself on the past trying to hold or re-capture that feeling of being important to people. My main issue and a great point hubby made on Sunday is I give so much of myself. I project this caring, loving, empathetic person. I do think I am those. I don’t believe this is a all fake. The issue is I do it selfishly and when the person doesn’t acknowledge or recipocate the same way I am left obsessive and resentful/angered.
Thus the quote above. I NEVER know when to let toxic people go. I ALWAYS let myself take one act of attention pull me into an obsessive need to have some connection constantly. I cant get it through my mind to enjoy the moment and let it be a good memory instead of some neediness deep within that I hang my self worth upon.
I am going to put my energy (or force my energy) into productive things like cleaning my messy house and deciding what I want to add to my city wide garage sale stuff. That way I can work this shit out amd feel accomplished! Wish me luck 😀
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