So I had my first therapy appointment with the fourth therapist I have ever went to. Each time I have been enlightened. This time I am more desperate and have an added issue of knowing enough of psychology to be dangerous. I am a social worker by trade. I went back to school three years ago to finish my degree. I use to be in banking. Yes a total 180 and a total culture shock. It is the one think in life I am feel I am really great at. I know I am a good Mom but I am human so it makes it hard to be great or awesome at it.
I gave him my general information and told him I think my core issue is self worth. I feel I have great self esteem as in general I think I am awesome but some how I de-value myself over all in the big picture. I am a martyr. I get resentful. I get angry. I attract alcoholics and damaged people that I mis-read and try to fulfil something in/for them and de-value myself. When he asked me why I do this. I have no real answer the closest thing I thought of was fear of failure but he doesn’t believe and it is just a guess on my end.
I have to chuckle in a sad way as he was at a lose to know how to help me. He said we have to work together to figure out the truth…. the blind spot as to why I keep de-valuing myself and self medicating with food and medication. And why I have issues with setting boundaries or mis-reading social ques when someone is toxic for me. It is so frustrating sometimes I wonder if hypnosis would help clear the blind spot. I guess I will keep thinking on it.
He did request I read the book above about understanding boundaries. I agree I need help with it so I am eager to read it. I was going to maybe read a different boundary book specific to difficult people but this one is broader and incorporates work, marriage, etc. I am excited to read it.
He wants to see me weekly of possible but I am not sure i can do that. My next one is next Thursday. I hope I have an epiphany by then 😀 the people pleaser in me wants him to be impressed. Dag nabbit… change is hard!