Early morning rambles

My dreams last night were weird again. I don’t get why i can’t have dreams without some morning rumination about them. They are the same themes just different situations.

It’s the weekend and I’m going to try real hard to clean the house and my room in particular. It’s a project that needs done for sure. I have the want but not the desire… does that make sense?

I’m up too early for a Saturday. I kinda miss the days of sleeping in until ten. But on the latuda i frankly don’t need as much sleep. Go figure.

Four paragraphs not much of a ramble but it’s all i got. I am going to go to a few church garage sales today. My mom asked what are we looking for to go? Umm isn’t that the fun not knowing? I’m not a big garage saler person but if a community is having them I’m on board. I just don’t like driving around all over finding them. Odd huh?

Good morning

How is everyone? I’m doing ok. I’m ready for the weekend though. They have a yearly festival going on this week but it looks like the weather might not cooperate. I still feel odd inside not happy not sad nor anxious and not stable feeling. I feel like I’m doing more than existing though. So there’s that. I’m restless… that’s it! Not sure what to do with that though. Just deal right? Sigh

What does i love you really mean

I dated for several months years ago a family friend i grew up with. It was long distance and frankly i was a mess mentally and he is an alcoholic. I love him dearly but i wasn’t in a place to peacefully go from on alcoholic relationship to another. I guess you really shouldn’t be but i digress. A few months back i reached out to him on that dreaded Facebook ad we have mutual friends and he had gotten married after we broke up but is now divorced. I was healing from my trauma and by the time i was ready to be friends again i didn’t want to be dramatic in his marriage. Anyway… we would talk from time to time nothing serious. Some rehashing of the past and apologies that we didn’t work out.

Then Monday he reached out and we had a conversation. He tells me i love you. Huh what does that mean? We both are in relationships and I’m not unhappy etc. I tell him i love you too because frankly i will always love him but that the timing is off and frankly he’s still an alcoholic.

Anyway the point of me sharing this is it has me all jumbled up. I am in a space where i really don’t need validated love. My identity is no longer tied to being in a relationship even if i didn’t have one. But i want him in my life. We really do make great friends but I’m also of the opinion it’s hard to be just friends with the opposite sex … well for me personally it always has been. I just have this feeling of something between wanting more and knowing it’s a bad deal. It’s this weird love and numbness thing i feel. I can’t quite wrap my mind around it.

Haunting dream

My dreams last night might be a clue I’ve been watching too much true crime stuff. It has me rattled a little at my lack of caring in the dream… but it’s just a dream right… no rhyme or reason to it. I’m also still exhausted and not looking forward to today. So much on my mind that is nonsense. I just got to get through it.

Silly brain

I am a flake. It’s not even a mental illness thing. It’s a personality trait. I often forget to mention clients i plan to talk to or have talked to during my team meetings. Today a couple of Co workers kind of chuckled at me doing it… so if course my mind feels foolish. They weren’t malicious as i feel i have a good relationship with my Co workers but i keep replaying what a loser i am. I am doing my best to counteract those thoughts by rationalizing that a) its not a big deal and b) who cares its your personality embrace it. So far each side is taking turns in my brain. I’m hoping the positive side wins.

I don’t know what I’m doing

This work scheduling thing has really got me in overdrive. I don’t know what I’m doing. Or how to make it work. I know i need to figure it out but i just can’t get my mind around it.

I had a chill weekend i even went hiking with a friend at work. Actually managed a minimum of housework. I’m stuck on watching videos on Facebook though… mainly true crime.

Here’s to praying you and yours and me and mine have a great week!

My mom versus the ex

I’ve already had a cluster fuck morning. My mom got tiffy with me over car shopping with my son. Then i mentioned i was meeting the ex as he is giving our middle son a tv. She went off. Anytime his name is mentioned its a napalm balm. Ugh. So anxiety here i go because I’m a people pleaser and i just want to be drama free.

Then i text the ex as he never talked to me about seeing the kids or the tv. He texted directly the middle son. Like hello i have to drive him so you need to communicate with me. He starts in about a job opportunity for said son which he has no ride to. Grrr.

Today is already a long day and it’s barely 10 am. Do breaths!

Grrr

I don’t know if it’s the increase in latuda but my emotions have been all over the place. I had lots of anxiety last night after the happy masked feeling went away. I sit here before work not feeling much better. I feel like a fraud and unworthy of good things. I know rationally that’s not true but it doesn’t seem to help the thinking. I’m going to go do what a commenter said last week and tell myself i love myself because words have meaning.

Weird mixed bag

I feel weird in my head. My latuda got increased so I’m not sure if it’s that or just me. The best way to describe it is this cloud of happiness over me masking anxiety. I don’t like the feeling as it feels fake. I do want to be “happy” but if it doesn’t feel real then is it a better way to live?

Today 040621

I woke up with full anxiety. I took klonopin right away it was so bad. Things settled down with the help of it and my day in general kicking off. I had a weird dream so not sure if it was that or something else. I’m starting to like my job… gasp i know … but i do feel like i have people im really helping and in my old job i never felt that way. Still struggling with time management but I’ll get there.

I know this isn’t much of an update as past the morning anxiety my day was satisfying. I’m tired so off to bed soon i go. I’m praying my dreams are not too adventurous. I need a break! Anyway… hope you all are doing well and if you need it sending a hug.