Self sabotage

Meds are working as best they can.  I don’t feel depressed or without joy.  Yet as usual they are not a cure for bipolar.  Nor are they able to “fix” self sabotage or maladaptive thinking patterns. 

I know I’ve been talking of change a lot.  I just want to use this good med cocktail to my advantage.  I can’t seem to get momentum to actually start the process. Life is flashing by and for what?

Making a living

This week at work has been a roller coaster. I past my six month probation period so yay. I’m getting more comfortable in it since i let go of the dislike for it. I am learning we do the best we can and that’s all a person can do. Let the rest fall into place.

I had some more anxiety today so i took medicine. I just didn’t have the fortitude to care to cope otherwise.

I am pushing on with this life I’ve been given and its all i can do. It has to be good enough.

Hi anxiety my old frenemy

So today the anxiety is back. Work related and money related. I am trying not to take any medicine for it and breath work through it.

I have a work ethical dilemma and no matter how i play it out it’s a lose lose situation. I just want people to do their jobs and not cause drama. Ugh.

Not sure today

I’m not sure how i feel today. 😕 i think over all fine yet i can sense an anxiety under it all. I wonder if there is a time I’ll be who I’m suppose to be. I feel not even close to there yet. Then again who else can i be but me?

A place for everything and everything in it’s place

I am very disorganized person. I’ve spent my last two days off doing small tasks here and there. Putting off large tasks. I feel a bit numb…. stagnant. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing yet i wonder if it’s a necessary thing. When you’ve been so depressed for months to feel meh is a relief. I look at my bedroom and think if i could just organize it and be that kind of person then I’d be awesome. But that’s not me. And i have to be ok with that.

I got this book on sale.

I’m looking forward to reading it’s insight. I feel i need to strike while the iron is hot. Meaning when I’m not in full depression mode. Now is a good of time as any to re train my brain. Wish me luck.

I woke up this way again

I’ve have slight paranoia about death again. I’m worried someone i love will die and I’ll be shattered. I just realized the doctor upped my Buspar so maybe that will help. Time will tell.

Today I’ve only managed to put makeup on for fun as usual putting off what does need done. I plan on taking a nap. Then making homemade chicken noodle soup. I think I’ll go to the store too. I want to make something for chiefs game at my parents tomorrow.

Fri-yay

It’s Friday and i squarely made my quota this week. Maybe once i let go of my frustrations i can do this job. The meds help me not take things personally which was part of my issue. I have a three day weekend so that’s cool.

I got a comment that change does happen in a day. Though it wasn’t really elaborated on i took it as every day you make that change until its permanent. So change can happen in a day.

I had some negative self talk yesterday but it was manageable. I didn’t wallow in it. I know it’s like duh but i bought me bad food too eat but if i don’t buy it i can’t eat it. Maybe i need to sit in my uncomfortable feelings to figure out what’s going on. I haven’t bought anything in three days and that includes me saying no to myself to buy something i don’t need. Celebrating the win for sure.

Understanding

Focus on the good. Take one day at a time. Live life by your own standards. Just be you. I’ve spent so long wanting to be anyone else I’ve forgotten how to enjoy being uniquely me. And despite my flaws and self sabotage its good to be me. I got this!

What being stable means to me

Dare i say i feel stable? It’s a little intimidating to put it into a written thought. I know i should be formulating habits now to sustain me when I’m not so stable. It’s a work in progress.

Stable to me is not wanting to die… feeling joy again… and seeing positive in things. Oh and not ruminating. I still have a late night eating problem and a shopping issue so now is the time to learn to set boundaries for myself.

The eating issue i am not sure how to dig deep and find the trigger. I know therapy could help but dang it i just can’t connect.

I’ve decided i am going to have to learn self boundaries for saying no to myself. Because I’m buying things i don’t need.

I ultimately will plug on. One day at a time. Change doesn’t come in a day.

Positivity to the rescue

Welp… my car only cost me 140.00 as it started for them at the garage. I decided to have them take out the auto starter as it has given me issues for years. I’m happy i stayed positive and like the feeling. I am also trying to be realistic and know it can’t always be that way. I will have negative days as well and that is ok too. I feel blessed in general. And of course never want this feeling to end. Of course we will see what tomorrow brings.