It started this morning

From the start of my morning i was being very unkind to myself. I tried with to stop it but it persists just less strong. How do i go from three days ago loving myself to hating who i am? This disorder has no rhyme or reason.

It’s all or nothing. It’s ridiculous. It’s tearing apart my psyche. I have value damn it.

Some thoughts

I am wavering between motivation and nothingness. I actually care to do something but the action is not there. I’m going to do my damnedest to be productive this weekend.

I am worried about my life and it’s meaning. Not in a why am i even here thought. More a what is my purpose. I feel i have such potential but it’s being squandered.

I’m on the brink of discovery i can feel it but to what i don’t know. I’m ready for it.

I don’t know what the point of this post is i just think i wanted to share some thoughts. I wish a lot of us could get together for coffee or tea. I think it would do us good.

Mistakes

I often ruminate on things i should have done differently. I think well that was stupid or how do i let myself be so off base. I second guess myself and i wonder why anyone even cares.

If i could learn to let things go I’d be happier… duh right. I just am not sure how to do it. I sit here wondering about my work and if I’m good enough. I’ve got to be ok with doing my best.

Long day

I have a long day ahead of me. I don’t have anyone to call today and no one had people to give up. I’m trying to stay busy but it’s hard.

I feel… well I’m not sure. I think even keeled. I’m not anxious or depressed and i don’t feel manic like yesterday. I’m so confused though it came on so quick and now it appears those feelings are gone. It seems to me they’d last longer. I don’t get it.

Just when i wonder

Sometimes i wonder if I’m bipolar as i don’t get manic very often. I feel the switch in my brain right now where i can tell if i wasn’t on abilify I’d be all over the place. Right now i just feel restless and hypersexual. I want to hug on people and feel their skin. I like this feeling other then the restless part. I feel alive and ready to take on the world. I want to meet you all and tell you your worth. Sadly it’s just a chemical imbalance and it’s not real. I remember now why people chase the mania.

I hate anxiety

I hate anxiety but then who doesn’t. This job makes me anxious in a way that was different then the last. It’s more acute. I don’t know what to do with myself it’s rather ridicules really. Why am i this way?

I am so tired of the whoa it’s me bullshit but at the same time this is where i can get it out. It’s what I’m feeling and it’s real and raw. I must be insane i keep doing the same things over and over with the same results… isn’t that the saying?

Panic attack

Had one awhile ago here at work. I’m so tired from the meds or twice as tired as i already was tired.

This is the second one recently just poof feel terrible shaky sweaty no concentration short breaths. I honestly don’t know what triggered it. Or the other. I really wish i knew. I was doing mundane things nothing to be anxious about then boom. Bluck does anything in particular bring in yours?

Caffeine

My coffee maker went out this morning.  I thought I’d be fine as i never felt addicted to coffee but damn it I’m sluggish and i didn’t get a good night’s sleep so that’s not helping.  I want to go back to bed so bad.  Plus i don’t have much work to do today so perfect boring storm. 

Let’s hope i make it through the day with all my marbles in tact lol

What if

What if i got better? What if i didn’t have persistent anxiety? What if i didn’t want it all to end sometimes? How awesome would that be?

I sit here not terribly depressed and anxiety slight. Not bad for a Monday. Still is rather be asleep. It seems that’s all i want to do lately. I can’t seem to break the cycle.

Progress not perfection

I like the mantra progress over perfection. I often lose sight of it but it’s one to remember. One has to look forward not stay in the past. I often think about how i could have done things differently. But for what? Can’t change it. I’ve done some things i shouldn’t do recently… while other things I’ve put off and told myself no. Progress i guess. I’m just feeling a little nostalgic tonight andwanted to put this thought down. Hope you all are safe.