Quick

These four days off have gone quick. I feel i need to hold on to today and make it last forever. That of course is impossible.

I’m doing OK aside from the worry about my job. It’s like I’m a masochist my mind goes there even when I’m not thinking. I just want to be content.

I think the Christmas tree is going up today yay. Maybe that will help. It can’t hurt right?

Today is not a good day in my mind

My boyfriend is going home a day early. I can’t help but feel it’s cuz I’m boring. Then there is the worrying i can’t seem to stop about work. I feel like a failure as I’m not meeting production. Then there is my son who’s just too much like his dad and my mom who’s is nosy and bossy. I’m a mess in my head and I’ve tried to stop it. I’m going to take a nap soon maybe I’ll wake up refreshed.

Different

Third day on latuda and i feel good. It could be that it’s a four day weekend though. I’m having some rumination but meds don’t fix everything. I have to work through the rest.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today I’m focusing on the good i have in my life.

I had an awesome feast for lunch

I started 20mg of my new med last night

My boyfriend is here to visit.

My children and parents are healthy enough

I currently have a job

I have a home

I know there is more but these i am most grateful for. Oh and this community!

Here’s to this year being about over.

Anxiety my old nemesis

The anxiety is back. I just want to curl up and sleep this feeling away. I feel inadequate and out of touch. I took some medicine i hope it helps. Yesterday i cared too little and today i care too much. I can’t find an even keel. God help me i can’t do this alone.

Well fudge

I thought i did well last week work wise then today found out I’m short on some productivity. It is what it is… is my take on it today. Ask me when i get written up.

Overall my day has went fast so a big plus. Now i just wait to make one more phone call. I’m in a good mood but really more so a let the storm rage through and let it go. (Anyone see what i did there?)

It’s a three day week. My boyfriends coming for the holiday so that’s exciting. I’m on ten mg of abilify for three more days or maybe two … anyway i feel pretty good almost like i don’t need meds at all. Then i remind myself I’m still taking the other stuff so it’s not an all thing. I know i need my meds. I just need the right ones.

Restless

Yes I am back again lol I feel so restless yet can’t find anything motivating to do. What i really want to do is have a friend to talk to but I don’t have friends like that I can just call and talk to. I also want to play in a sticker book and make a junk journal but then I think hell you won’t keep it up so why bother. I am in limbo.

Desperation

I wonder how many bridges I’ve burned in my small town work wise. I see my old job has a couple openings and i debated but then i realized it was giving me anxiety and ideation talk… that had to be a mental health sign. I do try to learn from my mistakes.

I feel desperate to find my niche in life. I can feel a need for a reinvention. I’d love to move away and start fresh. The thing is i have a freshman who only knows here. I have to make it work for three and half years still. I must have faith that it can be done. What choice do i have?

Today 112220

Today has been interesting. I slept to ten. Had some coffee then slept some more. Then got up cleaned enough to feel semi accomplished went to grocery store and am now waiting for pizza boats to be done.

I feel in the middle… not great… not bad. And a little better than just existing. So today I’m going to be grateful for that. Hope you all are doing good as well.

Too many thoughts

Down to ten mg of abilify versus 30. In four days I’ll start the latuda. I have too many thoughts in my head. I want to do all the things with no gumption to do any.

I thought I’d feel erratic coming off the meds and maybe i am but i just don’t see it. I guess i thought I’d go “insane” but it’s more self destructive really. Once again i just don’t know.