Five heartfelt things

Jewish young professional and Mental health at home have set forth a challenge or a prompt either way to write about five non self decrepitative things we believe we do well. I am up for the prompt and here is mine. They and I encourage all to do this as well either in comments or in own blog. (Caveat — I started this two days ago but got sidetracked with life so here I am again still feel free to add your thoughts)

1) I am great at providing for my family. They want for nothing and it’s not just about a roof and food in the table. It’s about love and rooting for them as well.

2) I care for human life. Everyone has value even if they can’t see it. I want everyone to succeed at life. And if I can help in that way it’s a bonus.

3) I love playing in makeup. I’m excellent at doing eye makeup and finding ways to make them sparkle.

4) I am the best damn Googler around. You want info I’ll find it one way or another. I am a vessel of knowledge in a lot of things and if I’m not hell Google is not far away.

5) I’m a problem solver. I’ll do pros and cons list. I’ll play devils advocate or think outside of the box to help find a solution that works. You need advice that is non judgmental and not offended if not taken I’m your gal.

Alright that’s my list. I look forward to reading yours!

Continue reading “Five heartfelt things”

Odds and ends

This Monday is almost in the books as they say.  It was longer then I wanted but productive.  I even got doggy cuddle time during a break.  The dogs have adjusted well in our home but they are not potty trained as told.  Which is disheartening.  My one son and parents feel I should give one away but the thought of separating them is to much for me. They are very bonded.

Work was ok today. And I got over my quota (ugh I know) so if less people during the week are seen I should be ok. Like tomorrow I have three planned when four is the minimum and five is the goal. So irritating but it is what it is. I am taking my son to the doctors so that’ll eat some time.

Today I am thankful for my life. It’s often solitary but I created that and it suits me at my current age. I do get envious sometimes if others lives but mine is a good one right now.

My dreams have been scary lately. I don’t if that means something in the grander scheme of things but it’s really annoying me. I really dislike having the after feelings of a super emotional dream. It lingers so long.

Welp it’s time to figure out supper for the night then relax a little before a new day. I hope you are all safe and life is being good to you.

One person and my stories of how “I Survived Multiple Suicide Attempts”

https://wp.me/p6UkO1-Yf

Please read the linked blog post above for the inspiration to this post.  It has a personal account and a wealth of knowledge. She is a wonderful blogger and has insight that is affirming.

I have had suicidal ideation since my early teens.  I think I would have been a self harmer if the fear of pain and blood didn’t scare me I say that because I remember being about fourteen sitting in my closet in the dark pretending to cut my wrists with a butter knife.  I would do this into the early twenties before I had children.  I don’t know when I stopped but I think it’s because of my children. 

Suicidal ideation was a default coping skill that was my best friend.  Something happened at work well I can just kill myself..  fight with them husband I’d be better off dead.  Most were passive thoughts but some would find me in bed crying the pain away.  See it was all about the pain in my heart soul and body to be down with my brain.  I was heavily under medicated and the times I’d passively reached out for help no one wanted to label me or were equipped to see the bigger mental picture. 

Finally after a stressful moment of betrayal and drama at work I wrote a cryptic text to my boss and took 6 klonopine. I then got scared of what I had done and told my then husband I was going to workout and drove myself to the hospital where they admitted me but no doctor would care enough to do the paperwork of admitting me to the psych hospital which I really did need.  Though it wasn’t even close to enough to kill me I had the intent.  So it was labeled an overdose and a lecture from a non mental health doctor on how I don’t want to be 72ed when I would have went voluntarily and off with my terrible husband I went home.  My children had no idea and I was at work the day after feeling defeated yet going through the motions. 

A year or two later I fought for that damn label to get proper treatment and was over medicated to where nothing mattered. I went off all the meds under dr control but with work and marriage issues I became increasingly despondent. I was going to kill myself rather then sirens another tortuous day living this shitty life.  I had a plan but I didn’t know if it would work.  Then I realized I was in real deep and over my head on thoughts I didn’t want.  I took a break from work went to my car and caked the crisis hotline I told them where I was and for fear they’d send an ambulance I drove myself to the same hospital but this time very different. They found me a place and asked my mom who met me there to make a statement of my intent if they needed a judge to make me go but I went willingly. It was a great experience for me though led to the official end of my 15 year marriage. I still had a hard shit job but I could focus on me which I have since then. I use to want to go back in but haven’t in awhile as this need combination had severely reduced my want to die and the feelings of psychological pain.

I have shared this story on my blog before but I think it’s been years. I figured coupled with itsJaime post it was perfect timing to share and normalize getting to safe thoughts before we make a permanent decision.

If you have or have had these thoughts you are not alone. I’m in a good suave overall right now but I accept its one horrible day away like a person recovering from addiction to fall back down that rabbit hole. Big hugs to anyone who needs them. May you find peace.

Current mood

It’s the weekend and I’m up way too early. I’ve been up since 3 am. I didn’t try to go back to sleep as figured I can take a nap. On today’s agenda is cleaning my bedroom some laundry and grocery shopping.

My mood is decent… better then all week for sure. I just remembered I need to do notes this morning… ugh I am not wanting that for sure.

People are wanting to quit my job for various reasons. So work could be come more hectic soon. We will see.

Coolness

Ah yes the air conditioning is fixed. I slept better and at some point snuggled into my blanket I’d missed that.

I don’t know about my head right now. It’s a weird mixture of emotions in there. Some happy some sad. I know I’ve said in the past but I think it’s been awhile I wish I could spend a day in someone without mental health struggles to know if “normal” feelings or my disordered thinking. I know I’ll never know… sigh.

Big day

Today I’m suppose to get my air conditioning fixed. I almost can’t believe it. It feels like an eternity. I don’t see how people do it. God bless them. I pray it helps my mood. Nothing like forking over 5k I don’t have. I’ve had to get up early to finish cleaning what my oldest did not. I am up but feel exhausted already. I keep having crazy dreams. They have no rhyme or reason. The feeling like running away has subsided. But a change of scenery would do me good.

The week ahead

I just don’t know what the week ahead holds.  Already my youngest is sick and it’s hot and the air can’t be fixed until Wednesday and it’s suppose to rain that day.  Will they fix it in the rain? September has been a rough month.  I am so ready for cooler Temps and hoodies.  I’m not sure what the week ahead will bring but I hope it’s good.

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