Jealousy

I got my bonus tomorrow its not much but something is better than nothing. I am jealous though as another coworker full well knowing we aren’t suppose to talk about what we each make tells me she’s get like 4000 dollars this is triple what I’m getting. I am jealous as i am an excellent worker yet due to not being given clients early on i got screwed. I tell myself it’s no one’s fault and it is what it is and i need to be grateful for what i get. I am yet it stinks as money is so integral to surviving. And as i wrote yesterday i have a hard time telling myself no to things with money. I should let it go … another thing I’m working on. Sigh

When to listen

I have a buying problem. I currently want something a little pricey. It’s a new planner. I dont need it and frankly I’m not the best at keeping up with them other than work. I always have good intentions but really i just collect them. I am sitting at the check out for my latest want and know i shouldn’t press finalize sale. Thankfully I’ve come here to write about it as i now feel the anxiety of buying it subsiding. Just because i want it doesn’t mean it’s not a waste of money. I’m going to close out of it and step away from the site. Today in this moment i have won the battle sadly probably not the war but one battle at a time right? Eventually you win the war i am hoping.

Subsided

The ex drama has subsided in my mind. Staying busy and sleeping has helped. That and you guys and the knowing if you have to say that stuff out of the blue in a text the likely head of it being all try is false. It hurt me to read it but that’s OK too because i am human and with that comes emotions. It reminds me I’m on a good med regimine to have these emotions as i have been a zombie before… no good… also I’m proud of myself that i didn’t lash back out and i didn’t have dark thoughts over the bullshit.

On to other things that matter more like my sleep being all over the place and my appetite. Maybe these things are an evolution and i either need more sleep early because i now wake up naturally early or ??? Maybe the appetite thing is an indicator I’m in a better spot evolution as i don’t need to emotionally eat. Should i even be spending time looking at them as signs of something bad? I really don’t know.

Am i stressed out more then i think i am? Am i unhappy about something and don’t know it? I know worrying about it is stressful… does everything have to have meaning? Can it just be?

Self worth

I woke up realizing this morning the thing about the text my ex sent isn’t about his love or lack of love or that he has moved on and is supposedly happy… it’s that i spent the majority of my life not loving myself and looking back when i did i was probably manic.

I’m working through those feelings as i do sincerely love myself now. I’ve come a long way and i need to celebrate that… not get caught up in the past that i can’t change. Thank you thank you thank you all for your support. Hugs.

Something is going on

I haven’t had an appetite or been eating much in the last month. I started noticing it this last week. I can’t finish dinner and hardly eat a breakfast or lunch. As an emotional eater and food as comfort im not sure what’s going on. In fact it’s almost like i have to make myself eat dinner though i willingly cook it. I often feel nauseous after eating and I’m not over eating. I think i forgot to share that all my blood work came back negative yet i feel something is wrong. I get up early in the morning without the alarm 90% of Time and am exhausted by eight at night. Maybe I’ve somehow moved past emotionally eating but what are the chances without therapy? I pray I’m worried for nothing and I’ve just changed but a forty year coping mechanism just doesn’t go away i would think.

In other news thank you all for your support today. It really helped. I’m still licking my wound but it’s healing. I am thankful it didn’t switch my brain to die mode. It gives me hope i am healing and being more self confident and loving.

My feelings are hurt and i don’t know what to do

I got this text at 521 am from my ex husband. I believe it stems from my not allowing our son to go on vacation because i can’t trust him to not drink and drive with the child. Also my youngest doesn’t want to go. So instead of putting the child in the middle i decided to be the bad guy and per the divorce decree its not his time with him. Here is the text…

I was at first devastated. And still a lot hurt. The majority of my adult life was a lie i told myself as well. He never kept a job was/is an alcoholic and looking back was very emotionally abusive. I at first felt so unlovable but my boyfriend, middle son who heard me crying through the door, and parents have told me they love me and my kind heart is easy to get to.

My oldest son can’t stand him wants nothing to do with him. My middle son who has been his favorite in the past is more forgiving and wants a relationship. My youngest could take him or leave him. I need to hold steady to the fact my children have a strong bond with me and love me. I have made mistakes but we are a close family. My heart wants to wilt and be wounded but i have to find the strength and courage to not let that happen. I do my best because i love my children enough to allow them to nurture their fathers relationship but the fact they don’t want to speaks volumes.

I’m trying my hardest to win the fight of not wanting to die because i fell my life was wasted. I know in my brain he’s not worth it but twenty years is a long time to waste on someone who says they never loved me. It breaks my heart.

Oh and the mental health stuff is bullshit. It’s a chemical imbalance that he couldn’t understand and being unmedicated the majority of the time and with my low self esteem…. i did the best i could. I always held a job to support us and have a good life. I think that’s something to recognize. I always strived to be better. Far from perfect but i did the best with what i knew.

Introspection

This has been heavy on my mind. In fact it’s 430 am and I’ve usually been getting up at five but the tossing and turning thinking about it made me give up on sleep. Now with that said… is that complaining or just facts?

I use to feel if i shared my mental health struggles i was complaining. I am thinking i have stopped apologizing for them recently but is that accurate because my flare ups have been situational instead of thankfully chronic? When we deal day in and day out with our minds and we need an outlet is that complaining?

A lot of what this community shares is just their personal life facts. I do not feel people are complaining. So where does that definition start?

I say all this to amend my previous post. I will work this week on being grateful and having intention because it’s what i need after the week i had (again is that complaining about other week or a fact?) It’s important to me too do so. I am going to reframe what i can with kind positivity and if i can’t well that’s OK too.

Covid free at this time

As my title suggests my test came back negative. I felt it would but anxiety made me worry too much about it. Now I’m laying here after running some errands and i feel discombobulated. I think it’s because this week was so emotional for me. And i think/ hope all that is played out.

I have a strong urge to clean my room but a stronger desire to just lay here. I’m all over the place really.. happy and cranky. Ugh i love the weekend but at least work usually distracts me one person at a time.

What about my heart?

My heart is telling me it’ll all be ok. By brain is screaming profanities at me about everything that is wrong with me and life. I was up at 430… today is going to be a struggle already.

I have to take a covid test tomorrow since i was exposed in order to go to my parents as my dad is terrified of getting it and i don’t blame him. The thing is I’m perpetually potentially exposed as i work in people’s lives. I can try and mitigate the chances but people are getting it without symptoms so…. i pray i do not have it. As then I’ll have to admit my mistake and well i don’t want to be sick. I’m praying the vaccine i got is still working.

I’m going to attempt to go thorough today with a kind heart to override my brain. I pray i can as this is exhausting hating yourself for no good reason.

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