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Sleep

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I just read several blogs where sleep patterns or dreams are different right now. My sleep is different as well i have a hard time falling asleep when usually i can fall asleep like instantly.

And my dreams are full of people who have died or are no longer in my life. It’s annoying especially when it involves my ex husband. Seeing my aunt or grandpa i like but that’s about it. Oh and im usually organizing or remodeling some odd house. What does that mean? Are dreams nothing thoughts or as I’ve asked before do they have meaning?

Not feeling it

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I am not feeling it today. I really dislike April fools day. Im so gullible. I decided to start working on my eating habits today. Blah but it needs done. This working from home is really getting to me and i don’t know why. It should be a blessing. I feel a depression coming on like an uncomfortable wet blanket. I just don’t know what to do about it.

As seen on Facebook

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I did not write the list above but it’s a good mindful reminder to be in the moment despite what’s going on.

I connected with an old boss of mine today. It was good to catch up. Im letting go of normal expectations today by understanding i have no control over the pandemic other then what i can personally do. I ate my dinner on the porch tonight. So i got some fresh air. I am writing here sho I’m releasing some creative and firing away those cylinders. Hmmm self care is a hard one… i laid down and let my body relax after dinner. Lastly i am grateful my job went fast today.

Random thoughts

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I had a panic attack today. I use to dread going to work but i miss the drive and the socialization. I feel ineffective and foolish. I think the thought of weeks of this just got to me. I took some meds then had a nap. I feel better now.

Rations are getting low here. Thankfully i get paid Tuesday and I’ll go restock if there’s any food to have worth having. I found last time it was the expensive stuff left.

The weather has been getting better here. Im sitting outside right now in the sun enjoying a nice breeze.

I put on makeup today for fun.  Here i am.

Im cooking dinner right now fried shrimp and mac and cheese. Tomorrow will be polish sausage and flavored rice. Am i boring you yet? Lol

I just want someone to share my life with. It’s funny i didn’t go anywhere hardly anyway but now that i can’t i of course want to. Freaking human nature.

I think I’ll leave you with these tidbit. I appreciate you all. I know i say it but really i do. I love my little part in the works here.

Flaws versus blessings

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As time drags on. I have plenty of time to dwell. The uncertainty of life and isolation is undoing me. I noticed im taking more klonopin then i have in months. Just to calm down a little. I am going to monitor it so i don’t get dependent on it again.

On the up side i still have a job… i love my children and us and my parents aren’t sick. I have internet to keep me somewhat occupied and it’s nice outside. I am grateful. I just wish i had my freedom to roam not that i did much but it’s a mental thing.

420

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I am feeling better. I thought I’d share some light heartedness… does anyone else have a time of day they notice the time with significance? Mine is 420 and i don’t even smoke pot. Please share yours if you have a number as well.

Im struggling

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I don’t have time or energy to break down right now but I’m feeling low with dark thoughts. I don’t know if it’s the uncertainty of our government or the isolation. Though it’s not like i had a life. I just want to hug someone and lay in bed and have my hair petted. I hate this mental pain that makes me ineffective. I just need to know it’s ok to not be ok right now.