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Give up

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I’m having a heavy negative self talk day already. It’s amazing how the mind can dredge up things from twenty years ago and make me feel bad about myself.

I doubt myself a lot. Every decision has to be dissected and then I’ll probably make the wrong one. I really do try and have faith and listen to God. But it’s like my mind is deaf sometimes.

I’m a people pleaser for sure. I want everyone to get along and be happy. This is exhausting.

Lastly… Fear of failure. I know fear runs my life. It probably all boils down to failure. I just feel like I suck as a person. I know I should go to therapy but right now I can’t and I haven’t had much luck with therapists anyway.

So I take one moment at a time and do my best to not listen but the voice is loud and demanding.

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Still waiting

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I’m still waiting to hear about that job. They said it would be a week but the not knowing is stressful. I wobble on thinking there is no way I didn’t get it to there is no way I did get it. I know this is probably a test on my worrying ability. So I need to calm down. It’s in God’s hands. I need to have faith. Other then that I’m ok. And most days That’s a good thing.

Better day

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Today I feel not so anxious or depressed or angry etc. Just kind of in the middle of everything. I have a long day at work and I’m still waiting to hear about that other job.

In general I’m just over the up and down of being bipolar. Not being stable sucks but then I’m not sure I’ve ever been stable. I’ve had good weeks but they never seem to last long. Does anyone get stable or recovered?

Sabotage

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Why do I have this overwhelming urge to sabotage my friendships? On the plus side I’m aware of it so that’s good but on the down side the struggle urge is real! Gah I think things will calm down In my mind once I know if I got that other job. The wait is triggering me hardcore.

Hatred turns to insecurity

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The hate in my heart had subsided but now I’m feeling insecure and lonely.

I want that fairy tale love that I see on Facebook and Instagram. To marry my best friend and travel and laugh together. I wonder if I’ve done something wrong in life to not have that.

I had a dream I got the job I interviewed for but just like the death dream… I don’t want to put too much thought into it. Still I can’t seem to help getting my hopes up.

I can feel a pity party coming on. I just want to be normal whatever that is… And not be ran by my emotions. Is that possible?

Hate in my heart

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I have hate in my heart and I don’t like it. I officially hate my current job. What a mistake it was to leave my last one. I know you have to take risks but it sucks when they don’t pan out.

I hate myself for always being unhappy. On having no motivation and just being plain me.

I’m trying coping skills to change my mind like prayer and gratitude but I keep slipping back to this feeling of hatred.

Struggling

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I’m struggling at the moment. My mind is on overdrive with sadness and negativity. I have mixed emotions on the job interview and getting it or not. I have criticised what I might have said wrong. I worry if I get it will I be good enough and if I don’t get it What Are my next steps in life.

We put up the Christmas tree and my oldest son was home. I keep thinking this might be the last time he joins us as he plans on moving out. What am I going to do if I have an empty nest? My identity is being a mother. Even if I fall short on being a perfect one at times.

I am not suicidal or having ideation thank you Jesus. But I am hating myself right now and it’s devastating.