Life has evened out a bit. I feel so busy with set hours and having to get off at five every night. I am thinking of starting a resin Etsy business and my fear of failing and just overall gumption is not having me really do it other then to freaking buy things for it.
Is it a me thing or a bipolar thought pattern to want to create yet lacking clear resolve?
I either way am plugging along life overall is good and I’m trying to not take it for granted. I am blessed and life happenings often happen for a reason.
I just can’t leave things well enough alone. I’m searching for something anything to feel alive and yet I know just living is enough right? Doing my best always trying to be a better me. Interacting with people and making friends comes with a lot of expectations I place on myself. I enjoy having the friends but wonder if i I can sustain it.
I feel the rush to make bad choices and fall into old patterns that don’t serve me well. It’s Causing my anxiety and I just don’t know how to remedy it. The thought loops are obnoxious.
Things are going good on the surface of my life. My dads surgery went fabulous. He will most likely come home today. My relationship is there though I fell in this area something is off. Way off. Work is so promising. I am really liking my supervisor and I feel I can do this work.
It’s just my sleep has been very off I don’t feel depressed yet more like emotionally exhausted. I can’t shake it. I feel disconnected and that there is no joy down deep but on the surface I am happy. It’s this duality that I am just not sure how to “fix” if it even needs to be or can. It just makes me wonder if I can ever have a long normal period of happiness? Will life be joyful and worth really living?
I am awake at 2 am which is super rare for me. I have this knot of work and despair to where I can’t sleep.
My dad has major surgery Friday and due to new job I can’t be there for my mom. She will be alone if something happens to my dad. My dad has been extremely depressed and I wonder if it’s just his own worries getting the best of him or if he “knows” something.
Also I haven’t heard from a friend all weekend who I’ve texted a lot lately back and forth. I take too many things personal or with the fear that I’ve done something wrong. But I can’t think what it might be. I know she’s going through a lot right now and then feel selfish I’m even worried.
Then I meet a new friend and she is very attentive in texting and being a vision of a best friend I like but can I sustain it or will I become dependent on it and it’ll disappear too?
These are all things I have no control over so why does my brain insist on looping with fear and worry? I have an easy day tomorrow at work since officially serving day and no one to train me. So it’ll be online videos and signing up for benefits. I need to charge my headphones and bring them.
I’m just sad with uncertainly. I don’t know how to cope with the actually having friends. It’s been so long since I’ve had attentive friends. I guess I’m scared it’ll go away or my mental health can’t sustain it.
Today I start my new job. I am 90% confident and 10% apprehensive. Every contact I’ve had with them has been wonderful so that’s a blessing. I am working on radical acceptance as suggested in a comment and thank you to all who commented in my last post.
I am worthy.
I know today will be probably boring with paperwork but having a boring first day is always good.
I am going to ride this confidence wave s as long as possible.
Oh and to top it off I got a new do. Here is the back it’s so pretty!
I feel like a pile of shit. A coworker text me that I was being bad mouthed as a bad worker which I feel is not true. I’m taking it way too personal. I have quit for the toxic environment it was because I knew my worth. So why this anxiety and sadness? Why can’t I have thicker skin?
It just makes me worry the new job will be the same shit. That I will never be good enough.
Thankfully I am getting in the Sun today. It should do me good. I just wish I was different. I can’t help but sit here wishing I was someone else. But yet I know I am worthy I am a good person and I have value even when I don’t see it.
This day can’t get over soon enough. This week has dragged on. I’ve decided to just play nice as really who cares. If I couldn’t make a difference while employed then how so I expect when leaving. There is nothing to gain.
I remembered this morning not only did my bipolar sent me to my stay in the psych hospital but adjustment disorder. Change is hard and with hurt feelings even more so. This is the norm for me and it will get better. Ebb and flow right?
It’s 4:07 in the morning again. Just woke up from a horribly vivid dream and I’m angry. Life isn’t what it should be.
I have two days left of this job. I’m debating on telling the lady off as to why I’m leaving. Then I think is it necessary? It’s a toxic environment and peoples worth isn’t valued so what’s the point. I’m not here to save anyone. Why do I care who knows the truth. It’s only my reality not theirs.
I’m angry at my boyfriend. He’s often not as sensitive to my feelings of doubt and human emotions as I feel is given in return. I seriously feel like I’m ready to just be alone. But is it the anger talking?
Ultimately this week can’t be over sooner. I keep thinking I’m a day ahead. I have doubts I can do this new job what if it’s the same shit? I want a job I’m seen for my worth. Will I ever be content?
I feel I’m in a season of life of maturity in a lot of ways. I finally see my value. I like not living with a partner. I like knowing who I am flawed and all. I struggle with certain areas still and might always. I have some acceptance but still strive to be better. In this moment I feel content so of course I wanted to blog about it 😀 I think it’s important to capture the awesome just as much as the struggles though when struggling it’s easier to reach out here. I do love this space.
This week for the most part has been perfect. I was on a staycation. And I didn’t get even close to what I wanted to accomplish BUT that’s ok. I made up for it in fuzzy warm feelings. My boyfriend has been here since Wednesday. My oldest was here two days and that meant other then my parents who we did go see I had everyone I truly love under one roof. It made me realize I must have done something good that my grown children and the one I’m still raising and I have awesome relationships. It’s not perfect but if a grown 21 year old male wants to still see his momma I think that’s pretty damn good. It earned my heart to have all three boys talking and showing love. It’s a feeling I want to hold forever.
One tarnish moment is a day my bf and I didn’t get along. It made me realize I’m not sure I ever really want to live with him. If he’s going to be stubborn and not talk when I am clearly upset I don’t want to go backwards in my self esteem and resolve. Thankfully that’s not until my youngest is out of the house so I have two years before the hard talk about real futures. I will probably feel different then.
My dad isn’t doing so good he might have cancer and have to have his kidney removed and despite living in what is supposed to be the best medical country. It’s all bullshit. He can’t get in unless the look at the scans and deem differently until June 30th. His mental health is taking a hit with worry and my poor mother is not the most compassionate. I truly feel for them both. I know one day due to age I will potentially lose them but I can’t imagine a world without them. So there’s that.
Tomorrow morning I have to drive an hour and a half away for my sons mri. He feels the tumor in his throat has grown. But it was time for his follow up anyway. Then next Monday is the drs appointment.
I start my new job July first. I am excited. I have three weeks until I officially quit this current job and I know time marches on but I feel it’ll feel like a long time. I could be wrong though. I will have the last week in June off as the first is a Friday. Weird huh?
I Guess that about sums up my life right now I’m going to do my best to enjoy today and then life real world will resume.