I made it through the bulk of my day

Seven clients all in person that’s a lot. But i did it. Just got to put notes in later tonight and pack and make supper. Sigh i got this right?

I’m super excited for this trip. I can’t wait for tomorrow. And i know it’ll go too fast damn it. But my mood is awesome so I’ll take it. Anyway hope you all are well. I’ll try to get good pictures to share.

Ugh why am i up?

I got up an hour earlier then i usually have been.  I hope this isn’t a pattern.  I’m think it’s because I’m jazzed for my vacation plus i have a lot still to do to get ready. Yay procrastination. So far some makeup … just in case and my meds in a travel pill box except klonopin. I put the newest pill bottle in my bag just in case.

I’m not sure if today will be a long day but i have a feeling it won’t be as it’s jam packed with seeing people. Then there is the dreaded notes lol i liked them at first when i didn’t have many to put in notes they are cumbersome now but necessary.

I hope i have fun. I know i should not worry about it but i am. I’m going to work on letting it just be. What ever happens…. happens.

One more work day.

I hope tomorrow goes fast then the weekend slow. One good thing about my work is my days once they get going go fast. We might have to take my vehicle which I’m ok with as right now i have satellite radio. It’s about a five hour drive to where we are going. I’m worried about the heat and the weight I’ve put on. My back often hurts if i walk to much. And of course i sweat. Ugh. I thought about bringing make up but if i sweat it off what’s the point? I might pack a small bag as why not.

I really dislike being overly sensitive. I suppose who does. I feel pretty good about my mental health i just have this being too sensitive to comments that people say that they most likely aren’t meaning bad. Is it possible to take a vacation from myself? 😁 i wish some days.

My boss does this thing were we talk about our day in a round Robin kind of way and talk about someway we’ve helped today. Really an innocent question. But today i really didn’t have anything that stood out. So i bs’d it. Still some days just talking to someone about no particular problem helps. Ya know?

I guess I’ll go and start packing. I bought frozen pizza for dinner so i toss one in the oven for me as well.

An i hate life moment

I had a i hate life moment today but overall it ended up being a good day. I keep thinking it’s a day ahead but it’s only Tuesday. I think I’m depressed in the aspect of if i wasn’t on meds I’d be unable to get out of bed I’m pretty sure.

I feel slightly irritable but not enough for people to notice. It’s more internal. I will continue to just be me… what else can i be?

Why are you so quite

I got the dreaded question today at work. It didn’t even cross my mind to be truthful. I’m having a bad mental health day. I went with the i just want the week over so i can be on vacation. Why is it not on for me too be truthful and the default is to say something less heavy?

I do feel I’ve made progress on this medication regime but i think my dreams last night triggered a bit of my give a shit is broken or more like i give too much of a shit as I’m over thinking everything. I’m a worrier by nature thanks to upbringing and in my tough days its worse. I will weather it but it sucks i have to.

Another horrible dream night

My dreams had rape and murder in them. I don’t understand why i would dream such things. The almost as odd thing is i don’t remember dreaming while boyfriend slept next to me. I don’t get where dreams come from. It wasn’t even a nightmare of sorts but had left me waking up this morning feeling off.

Welp back to work this morning. I’m ambivalent about it like I’m excited to start my day yet I’d just as soon laze around.

MIA

This has been a great weekend. My boyfriend came for a great visit. My mom did not stay too long which was nice but she did nag a lot but nothing new there.

Here is my landscaping project this weekend my boys and bf completed.

Before

After

My mood was awesome this weekend until my parents got on me about my weight. Even my dad said something. I feel horrible about myself now. Sigh.

I work four days then go on vacation so I’m excited about that. I hope my week goes well. Anyway hope you all are well. Cheers to another week.

Come on day

I woke up a little on the early side. I really need to add i need to finish cleaning my room. My boyfriend is coming this weekend I’m sure it’ll be a shit storm as this is the big super clean weekend. I have a project for him though so i think that’ll help. We shall see.

I got to get through the day work wise. I think it’ll be a good day though.

I better get on this room though i don’t want to. Motivation is a weakness of mine for sure.

I slept it away

That title isn’t exactly true. I did sleep a lot but it’s not all gone. I still worry about the person i took to the er. I can’t get so attached i think. I need to stay impartial but it’s not in my nature.

Another day of dragging through life trying to find meaning. I’m beside myself in what to do with life. I don’t know what to do with this life. I would guess I’m in a depression right now. This to shall pass right?

Plummeting

My mood is plummeting. I spent almost four hours with someone today who was suicidal. I lay here worried about how she’s doing as i took her to the er to get a bed at the hospital. I am ruminating on my memories of being that hopeless and desperate for relief. It’s triggered me into feeling worthless and just plan messed up. I’m not sure how to change my mood. I guess wait it out. I wish i had someone to cuddle with and tell me it’ll all be alright. I feel so alone.