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Just found this

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So profound… I know people care but no one in real life expert my children and parents and I’m tired of being a burden.

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Lonely

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I’m feeling overwhelming loneliness today. It’s like a black sludge is pouring over my heart and weighing it down. I just want to run away from my life and start over. Be someone different. I don’t hate myself but I don’t like myself either. Life is not fun.

Checking in

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It’s the weekend. Im feeling ok. Friday I took my son to the psych Dr is worse then I imagined. He is very brave for his age and I appreciate his honesty with the doctor. He was given meds and a plan to follow. I’m thinking I need some fmla for it.

I feel so much guilt and shame that I passed on my mental health issues to him. I so wish I could fix it all. But I can’t even fix me. I feel like I’m such bullshit. I feel the depression right around the corner. I’m not sure how to stop it.

Can’t get rid of this anxiety

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I long for those fleeting days that were carefree and anxiety free. Up and down up and down that is life. Guilt… Self loathing all rolled up into a bundle yet I’m not depressed so that’s good.

I asked for latuda. I was told that’s for bipolar two and I have bipolar one. This is news to me. I wonder when it got switched.

I’m just a lost little girl trying to find her way in this world.

Just one day

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even though I’ve had far more good days recently then bad this week has felt like this. Tomorrow I see the psych Dr and hopefully get my meds adjusted as I promised myself to be more assertive in asking and is in person which I feel makes it easier. Just sucks I have to drive an hour and half away.

Damn anxiety

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I’m in anxiety overload. I can’t find the words to tell my boss I messed up. I’m just sitting here being ineffective. Now she’s out of the office. I’m already over this week. Please send prayers and calming vibes.

Hoping tomorrow doesn’t come

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You reap what you sow. I have messed up at work. I got a call on Sunday… Today… About it. Nothing I can do until tomorrow when I have to tell my boss I messed up and did some major self sabotage. Why do I do this. Do I want to get fired? I don’t understand myself. Ugh. I don’t want tomorrow to come but I’m not suicidal. I just want it to be groundhogs day and this day play over and over again. The weird thing is I’m numb about it. I should be more concerned but I’m not and that scares me. What does it all mean?