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What a mess

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I can’t get away from my thoughts. They are intrusive and exhausting. I’m being ran by fear. I don’t know what to do. On the plus side I’m not suicidal or depressed. Just agitated. Maybe this is a bit if hypo mania. Not the good kind either. 

Eclipse

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Is anyone else freaked out by the thought of the eclipse? I have an irrational fear of it and I don’t know why. I live right in the line of totality. I just have thus dread about it!

Song therapy

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“Heavy”(feat. Kiiara)
I don’t like my mind right now

Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary

Wish that I could slow things down

I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic

And I drive myself crazy

Thinking everything’s about me

Yeah I drive myself crazy

‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity
I’m holding on

Why is everything so heavy?

Holding on

To so much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down

If I just let go, I’d be set free

Holding on

Why is everything so heavy?
You say that I’m paranoid

But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me

It’s not like I make the choice

To let my mind stay so fucking messy

I know I’m not the center of the universe

But you keep spinning round me just the same

I know I’m not the center of the universe

But you keep spinning round me just the same
I’m holding on

Why is everything so heavy?

Holding on

To so much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down

If I just let go, I’d be set free

Holding on

Why is everything so heavy?
I know I’m not the center of the universe

But you keep spinning round me just the same

I know I’m not the center of the universe

But you keep spinning round me just the same

And I drive myself crazy

Thinking everything’s about me
I’m holding on

Why is everything so heavy?

Holding on

To so much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down

If I just let go, I’d be set free

Holding on

Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Why is everything so heavy?

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These lyrics speak to me so much. I want to be carefree like a balloon but instead I feel the weight of every problem conceived… Real or imaginary. So glad therapy is starting soon I need someone to talk to. They moved my appt up to next Tuesday. I need answers and directions. I have a psych Dr appt tomorrow but it’ll be a bunch of nothing. I know he won’t change my meds. But I gotta go as I need my meds I do take. 

My mental health

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I’m foggy today. It’s like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I am stuck between caring too much and not at all. I can’t concentrate. It’s definitely a struggle today. But no one thing to say why. It’s an overall malaise. Days like these I want to stay in bed all day. 

Pretending

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I hate it when people say I’m quite. It reminds me of the vivacious women that’s lost. But being low key is how I have to pretend to be normal. There is no other way around it. I wish my boyfriend knew the old me. I think he’d like me better. Not that he doesn’t now but I just think that. I’ve lost so many friends. It’s so lonely. I guess maybe I don’t pretend well enough.

Apprehension

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So I got the position I wanted. Now I’m apprehensive if I made the right choice. Time will tell. Life is hard damn it. Choices come and go and you can’t predict the future.

Environment 

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This is what I’m trying to do with my work atmosphere but I’m fearful it’s backfired. We shall see. I have a therapy appt in two weeks closer to where I’ll be commuting to work. She’s a female. I haven’t tried a female therapist in a long time maybe I’ll have better luck. I know I’ve gone too long without therapy though. If she doesn’t work out I still have the appt with the guy in the town the opposite way in September. It’s just he will be a pain drive wise now so I think it won’t work out logistically. Anyway I’m excited for therapy is that silly?