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I just don’t know what I feel today. I’m a tropical storm sitting in the eye of it. I feel calm but the rest of my life around me is a mess. I need to grab it and fix it. But where to start?
I’m a sucker for a romantic movie. The formula is always the same. Yet I get caught up in it. Why can’t true reality love be like the movies? Do these opposite attracts people live happily ever after? Just something I’m pondering tonight. Not feeling lonely but a little unloved and to think last week I was so in love with myself. And writing this I still do but then if that’s truthful why do I feel unloved? Ugh
So I think going off my meds was a bad idea. The paranoia of my house catching fire is back along with other fairly irrational thoughts. You forget you have those when your medicated. So back on meds today before it gets out of hand.
I have so much worry and am in so much pain. This time physical pain add I hurt my hip. I went to Drs and am waiting for my steroid script. Wal-Mart pharmacy is taking forever. I’d go run an errand but I got a good parking spot and well I can’t walk very good.
Please pray send good vibes for a quick recovery. I can’t miss anymore work.
Ok as I was writing the above I got called to get my script. My hip feels better but I’m afraid it’ll stiffen up when I go to bed. We shall see.
I’m I this weird state right now of wanting to spend money and regretting all the money I’ve wasted. Luckily I don’t have any to spend right now or I would I’m sure.
I have a confession I haven’t been taking my meds. It seems when I take them I get more depressed. I don’t have insurance right now so I haven’t made it a priority to take. Other then the spending money… I feel better not taking them. Is that foolish?
I keep wanting to connect with past toxic boyfriends. That’s the problem with Facebook people are so readily available. I do stop myself thankfully. But the want is there. After six weeks of no contact my last ex contacted me about some stuff he left behind them proceeded to tell me he wanted to be Facebook friends. I didn’t have the fortitude to say no. Though I’ve liked the cold turkey of no contact.
I don’t know why I hold on to these people. It surely isn’t healthy.
Don’t ask me how I feel. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s numbness as I don’t feel anything of significance. There is not a lot of work to be done at work and it’s currently snowing. I took Friday off so really need to work all day but then again with the weather and not much to do why stay??? Ugh is tough making decisions.
I woke up feeling sorry for myself this morning. My friend did show up last night but two hours late saying she had phone issues but her phone worked fine the whole night after that. I spent too much money waiting for her and now have to borrow money from my son. When am I going to get my act together? I feel so incompetent. Why do I make poor choices? I take two steps forward and one back.
I know in my heart I’ve made changes and I’m a better person but today it just doesn’t feel like it.