Finally some good news

I got the official hire letter. Signed and sent back. It seems like less money then quoted but still with the benefits and the fact I will have a pension instead of 401k I think it’ll work out. I could have heard them wrong too who knows.

I’m going to wait until after my vacation to put in my notice it’ll be a three week notice so more then enough and I think it’ll decrease my chances of being let go super early. I will have next week off and most of the last week in May off. So I’m excited. Barring they don’t tell me to fuck off before that. I don’t feel it’ll happen but you never know.

Thank you all for your good mojo prayers and vibes. It is much appreciated.

What’s worth fighting for?

I was called into the office today to be the next step down from written up. It’s a “coaching” thing. I fully think it’s bullshit as I’m not costing company money. It’s not the quality of my notes or how I do my job and I know I’m forgoing a bonus due to not having my notes completed with the 24 hour period they want. But again I have talked to the boss about my struggles with it and never did she say well this could lead to a firing. She did once go on about being an expectation and me stating I wanted an accommodation. But it was never stated or communicated you need to get this done or I’ll have to start the write up process. I cut her off at the pass when she kept asking me why essentially I don’t care and I didn’t feel like arguing with someone I don’t trust. So I told her I had another job and plan on quitting soon. I’m waiting for the formal acceptance and then I’ll put in notice. She then I think wanted a notice right away but I refused on the off chance I don’t pass backgrounds but really I feel I could work a retail job around here with slightly less money and way less stress and be ok financially. If it came down to it. I know yesterday was about being nice and telling for her sake but I should wait but I’m the moment I couldn’t take the conversation so I pretty much told her I don’t give a fuck and that was the end of that no coaching shit in my record.

Now I’m debating do I figure out reality off if it truly is bullshit what she was trying to pull or just letting it go? So many times in my life I’ve let things go and not gotten down to talk answers. Hell I’m even thinking of asking the ceo himself as he talked at a company wide meeting about changing the 24 hour rule. I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable but I also don’t feel it would change a damn thing overall. I was done dirty and I’m a fucking good worker. Though I had some negative thoughts of being a shit imposter for a bit.

Ultimately I will see how things go I think but you know impulsivity is a trait of bipolar. Not an excuse just a fact. So if I get out in a corner who knows how what I’ll do.

When being a nice person sucks

I feel the urge to count my eggs before chickens due to niceties my company doesn’t deserve. I don’t have the official letter to start my new job just an offer contingent to the background check. I know it’s foolish to warn my boss that I am quitting without it being formal yet I feel bad and know the nice thing is to have her be prepared as they will struggle with the caseload for a bit until I’m replaced.

Now I don’t feel I’m doing then shitty but one main thing that plays into it is they have done me shitty so I damn well don’t owe them anything. I need to keep saying this to myself so as not to screw up on the off chance it all falls through.

But being nice is what gets me in trouble isn’t that sad? I was trying to be nice and respectful when this whole disaster happened and look what it got me. Anyway this month will be way too long. Next week I have a planned week vacation so that’s a plus. Just got to get through this week. One day down four to go.

Million steps forward million and half back

Got great news I have a conditional start date as long as pass the background. Which should be no issue. It’s not until July first so that sucks but a light at end of tunnel.

I have a tarot reading party that last time I said I’d do for free but they gave me money. I said same thing this time but we will see if I get paid. I hope so but either way the practice is good.

Then there is the step back it’s only one but the negative outweighs the positives. I had an issue with a client Wednesday today I saw him and he’s talking foreboding not about suicide but that his family is unhappy about the other day when I was worried and they got involved and seeing my boss something I don’t remember nor believe I would ever do. And other weird cryptic things I didn’t care enough to ask more about. It got me paranoid so… I’m trying to do my best to remain positive and think of it as a prison term I’ll be done with soon. It’s just so suck that I let stupid shit get to me. I want confidence and so don’t care attitude so irritated with myself in that aspect.

Anyway waiting in the doctor for a wellness yearly check up. Hope I get good news there as well.

Up early

I went to bed with anxiety and stress over running me. I was hoping to sleep as long as possible but nope I’m awake two hours before my alarms. now what to do?

I feel on the edge of a cold/allergies coming on. It’s annoying my body can’t make a decision much like my mind.

Maybe I’ll listen to some music. Plan in my planner and drink coffee. Hmm sounds like a solid plan.

Struggling

I’m really struggling right now. I feel very on edge and emotionally drained. I don’t know how to fix it and maybe that’s the problem. I need to accept it or is that the toxic positivity people say? The question is ultimately how do I deal with emotions that are tough. I feel so much stress. I think I have that job and I know it won’t fix anything completely but it should help I feel. Then I get doubt on if it’ll work out and I’ll be disqualified for some reason. My paranoia is through the roof and I can’t deal. I want to shut down but I can’t even seem to manage that. Is that a good thing? I just so want a happy joy filled life but does that exist? Am I meant to always be in turmoil? I just don’t know.

Hiccups

I do tentatively have the job. There is a hiccup though they are having issues getting someone to verify my work ethic as a supervisor. My current job only confirms I work there. My old last children division supervisor won’t return calls so they reached out thankfully and another supervisor I’m friends with that was my old supervisor is willing to give me a reference. Fingers crossed that satisfies that. Though now I’m having mixed feelings about leaving as I found out there has been consequences to the co worker who is giving me trouble then again if she’s willing to try to get me fired before I’m sure I’m still on the radar. And I live in the gray with some people. Plus I still feel it is toxic as no one has addressed my feelings about it all yet she gets to work less hours for self care? I’ve been assured by another person this is not a reward but to me it feels like it. Sigh. So I guess right now I am not so much caring to say fuck you s as you people suck more of so want to be valued and it’s a time to move on. Still needing positive mojo it all works out please. Love you all!

Maybe things will work out

I had crazy dreams last night. Different things all over just very chaotic. My job interview went well and I think I’m in the running of everything checks out. I reached out about an easier way to get ahold of my supervisor and she said she’d like that number. I’m still waiting for the shoe to drop. It’s a thin line between doubt and faith. Other then that life has been ok. I still have my moments but it’s tolerable. Hope all of you are doing well too.

Interview

I feel it went well but I felt the last one did too and I didn’t get the job. I’m trying my best to not get my hopes up. I’m fearful something will mess it up and I’m unhireable I know this is catastrophic thinking but I suck at using cbt skills. Sigh… plus my main job doesn’t stop and I have a difficult client right now and a lot of paranoia. So it’s a perfect storm off nerves. I guess I’ll find out when I do either way. Now to do some kind of self care to help me.

Interesting things are happening

While I am still mentally struggling with why on earth this person is not fired. And knowing there is no peace from it. I am job hunting again. I no longer have the care for bullshit or with the limited benefits of the job to keep feeling suicidal ideation because things aren’t right or fair.

Ideally I want to wait until after July but then again I don’t want to miss an opportunity for a job that would be a good enough fit just for additional yet to me good chunk of money. I know I earned my bonus but you have to be working there to get it when paid out. I guess nothing in life can be perfect.

So I’ve been tentatively job hunting and already this week have two job interviews and a third company reach out due to seeing my resume on indeed. I’ve said my prayers for insight on what to do. Ultimately time will tell. Today is the first one at noon then nine am on Thursday. Once again I ask for this time guidance mojo, positive vibes, and prayers. It is always appreciated.

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