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Muddling through

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I’m muddling through today. I went to the next town over to enjoy a car ride in this nice weather only to have my check engine light come on. I swear I can’t catch a break. It looks like it just needs a tune up but money I don’t have. Right now I’m dying my hair for some self care and it was on sale lol.

My divorce might not happen Tuesday. I’ll know tomorrow if a continuance was asked for by my ex lawyer. I’m ready to be divorced so praying is not.

I’m going to fix my hair and put on make up after this as I spent way too much money on items I didn’t need on sale at target that were beauty related so need to try them out.

My paranoia has subsided but night time seems to be when is the worst. I’m hoping it was just a moment in time and not a pattern. We shall see.

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Ugh paranoia

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I’m having paranoia tonight. I forget how miserable it is until it happens. I keep thinking the police are going to knock on my door and I’m not going to hear it. I’m so beyond sick of having a mental disorder. Why does God give this struggle to people?

Crux

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I’m at a crux in life. I know what I want to do but lack the desire for confrontation to say the words. The final straw was something slight but it’s a glaring representation of the issues at hand. Why is it so hard for a lot of us to let go without a blaze of glory? Resentment bubbles and I can’t let it go. Love is lost and I don’t think it can be found.

Anxiety

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Anxiety is a bitch. I need to get focused but I can’t care. Maybe the drugs are working too well. Leaving me with just a smidgen of anxiety that makes me ineffective.

I realized next week I should be divorced. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Mainly I think relieved. But then I think of all that wasted time with the wrong person being miserable. You can’t think that way right?

Anyway I better find my focus and get to it. Hope everyone is warm and safe.

It never ends

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I got a new work case. Why it keeps being me not sure but for some odd reason today I don’t care. I’m feeling positive still so I’m going to enjoy it. Bipolar really is a roller coaster. Today I don’t want off.

Nope

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I had this post written complaining about work but I scraped it. I’m not going to complain today about it. I’m going to be thankful that I have a family that loves me, health insurance, and an income. I’m going to be content with myself and all my greatness and flaws. So today I will choose to write about possibilities. About a better life and a world where I can accomplish things.

Restless

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I’m restless and ineffective right now. There are so many household project I want to do but no gumption to do them. I’m also feeling some resentment in my life that’s not healthy. Ultimately I want to run away but on the positive side that’s an improvement from not wanting to exist. So I’ll take it as this is bearable.