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Be the person

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I haven’t been given much work to do. My intermediate supervisor has been sick. So I just sit here twiddling my fingers. Yesterday I had a full day but other then that it’s been a long week. I had a panic attack in the middle of the night last night. Not sure what triggered it.

I hope to be better at this job then I was in the past. I feel like a fraud like I’m not as good as they think. It’s this self worth issue that eats away at your soul.

I want to be the person who cares but not so much it bothers me internally. I want to remain kind hearted but tough when it calls for it. I want to be the positive change.

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Plagued

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Are my worries getting the best of me? I don’t think so but they are weighing on me. Right now I don’t have a lot to do at work so I have plenty of time to think. I’m fearful of failing. It is consuming me like a slow burn. It’s silly as I’ve done this before and was ok at it. Maybe better then I give myself credit as they hired me back. I will not fail. I got this!

Here I sit

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I was hopeful I’d get this position I wanted at my now new old job but I heard through the grapevine I won’t. I think I made wrong choices and now have to deal with that.

I’m not surprised I don’t get to move to the position I want as I just started but I’m sad over it. I’m resolved to still do the best I can no matter what but I guess it’s just disappointing. I could have had that job if I stayed but I chose to leave. Then I chose to come back which I am thankful for but still disappointed. I’m sorry this post is all over the place it’s just ugh. But damn it I got this.

Dear self in 2019

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I start back tomorrow to my old job that was so stressful but I have the hindsight to appreciate it. I just pray I’m in a better headspace to handle the chaos. I need the stability and benefits it gave me. I must say I feel good in my choice to come back. No waffling.

Here’s to a better night sleep and a great day tomorrow.

Freaking out a little

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Anxiety has a hold on me today. I’ve got so many worries I can’t think straight. I’m trying to use prayer and keep it in God’s hands but I’m failing miserably. I could use some positive mojo or prayers please.

Change is not good when you have an adjustment disorder and bipolar. But here I am again.

Can’t sleep

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I have been trying to fall asleep for an hour and a half which is rare for me. I have a lot of worries going through my brain.

  • Going back to my new old job
  • A trip I’m suppose to make in March
  • My son is going to a large city three hours away to a concert he told me this Wednesday
  • Feeling lonely
  • My hair falling out
  • Waiting on income taxes back

I think that’s the main list. I even took my klonopin which usually helps me to drift off. I just don’t know what else to do. I suppose I will fall asleep eventually. I feel for people that deal with this every night.

Dreams

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I have been having vivid dreams of loss the last two nights. It makes my sleeping time not much fun. It’s suppose to be my solace. I wish I was a dream interpreter to know what is bothering me in my waking hours.