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The last few days have been good days. Im very grateful for it. I want to continue having good days. I know it’s not possible. I will have bad days. It’s the nature of the game…. errr disorder. But for now im going to sit in this feeling and enjoy it. Im going to be that person who feels normal and without disordered thinking. Im going to live life how i should.
Some days it feels like survival and not living but that’s ok. It has to be. I made it to 43 yesterday. And it was an ok day. Today to celebrate i kept my promise to myself to not stay cooped up in the house i went to a renaissance festival.
We got rained out but it was enjoyable. And i have one more day off before i go for a busy work week.
May God bless me for another year again. I am praying for peace and better judgment.
I got a case of i don’t want to be me. I guess you could call it a bit of a pity party coming on. I want to have no money worries, no mom guilt, no feeling inferior to people. I want any life but mine right now and the feeling sucks. I try so hard to be grateful and to be enough but i can’t do it all the time my mind gets distracted.
I say all that and yet im grateful for my job, i love my children and they love me. Im grateful the fridge works and we have heat. So why do i feel like i don’t want to be me?
I need to know im enough. I need to forgo my negative thoughts and be proud of me. I can’t worry over everything. I may want to but it’s not healthy. I just want to have a month where everything is perfect but life doesn’t work that way. So i need to be content with me.
Im feeling a little anxiety but it’s manageable. My first day went well. I hope i learn more today. Anyway just wanted to check in. Hope you all are doing ok.
I love this quote because i see it in my own life and work. I struggle with appearing “normal” and mood/ anxiety free. Society wants to post a ton of memes about accepting depression yet where are the others in acceptance?
Put on a happy face and hide. Maybe im projecting here as i worry my mental illness will sabotage my career and I’m feeling snarky. Still i think is truthful the worst part is to behave as if you don’t have a mental illness. It makes others more comfortable.
I often feel i can do better as a mother. It’s often like we’re living these separate lives under one roof. I love my children more then i can Express. Yet i sometimes don’t know how to engage with them. I don’t know if the meds have numbed me or I’m too wrapped up in me. Either way i need to do better.