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I dislike work days that I have a lot of little things to do. I like it when things take up major chunks of time as it makes the day go faster. Normally I’d just leave early but I’m on phones so I can’t. I thought about making up excuses on why I can’t be here but decided I just needed to suck it up butter cup.
In general I feel good. No anxiety or worry. A bit tired and some binge eating but I love no anxiety. I almost feel “normal.”
Some days I feel like all I’m doing is surviving. But today I see that I’m doing an awesome job at it. I have three productive children. I have a productive job and though I don’t have many friends anymore. I know the ones I have care for me. Today is a good day. Why I can’t wake up feeling this way every day I don’t understand. Why is today different?
I use to be a force to be recon with. I am a fragment of that person now. I gotta say that person wasn’t perfect but she loved herself and didn’t have all this worry and bullshit. Do I go off my meds to become her again? How do I weed out the self destructive her? The angry never thought of others her? Do I wait for my children to grow up and start over? I have seven more school years not to mention college for my youngest. I can’t be like this another seven years. But to be fair I’m better then I was a year ago so I need to give myself some credit. Still I want to shine. But I’m fearful with worry. I so need to unfuck myself.
I think my dreams are trying to tell me something. Hell if I know what. I hadn’t been remembering my dreams but the last three nights I’ve woken up with large snippets nagging at my soul.
I’m also just plain tired. I think I’m cycling into depression. I had a comment that I have no joy. They are right. But where do you find it? Will I always be miserable? How sad is that? I feel like a lost cause. How is it I can be fine one day and the next hanging on by a thread? This illness is life sucking. Are people working on a cure? I want to be in test trials if they are. But I bet they are not.
I am adrift. I have no direction or motivation in life. I am to say the least unhappy. I shouldn’t be though by all accounts I have a successful career. Good kids. A loving boyfriend and parents who care for me. What more should I want? But something is always fucking missing. I’m so tired of it.
I woke up this morning with resentment in my heart. My brain knows it’s unnecessary and is fervently talking to my heart to just let it go. But like anyone telling you to suck it up it’s not listening very well.
I had horrible dreams last night. At one point I woke up to vape it was so stressful. I wish I was a dream interpreter.
Today I might just make the video to submit to Ted x talks. I don’t know if not being picked or being picked would be worse. But not trying might be the worst of all.
Just some quotes I found that are fitting right now. I am talking to a friend online but I still feel lonely. I guess a depression is coming on. Sigh