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I’m very bad at gambling. I’m so not lucky. Yet I keep wasting my money on tickets. Why is that?
I think I’ve made some decisions in my life I’m happy with unless I hear from that promotion that I got it. I haven’t heard yet but now I’m hoping I don’t get it go figure right.
I’m also thinking of using the konmari style of organizing to declutter my life. It’s where you only keep things that bring you joy. Now to just motivate to do it.
I woke up feeling good. One conversation later and I’m defeated. I have this ball of energy but lack the motivation to follow through.
I watched a snippet of an interview with Chester bennington. It was about the song heavy and how his mind when left alone is a dark place. He said it doesn’t matter your successes it’s there lingering. Ok I’m paraphrasing but that was my take away. I have been wondering how alone and dark it was in his mind to commit suicide just with hours of a new video being released and then later that day a photo shoot per reports. He had plans like we all do then you get stuck in your mind in the dark spaces and you make choices. I’ve been there twice. Once I overdosed but not enough to actually harm myself and the second I asked for help before I carried out my plan. I worry about getting to that point again.
I’ve got a lot of decisions job wise to think about. I haven’t heard back from that promotion yet. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. I don’t even think I want it now and what if I get it? Ugh. I’m thinking about instead taking position in a different office but I’d have a drive. Though not as long as the one I had planned for the promotion. I need clarity so if you all can send clarity vibes that be appreciated.
I’ve been overspending. And not following my eating plan. Something is going on for sure. I guess I’m trying to fill the void with things. I can’t afford it though financially or physically. Sigh
I feel unsettled today. I had chaotic dreams and work paranoia. Plus a bit of hypochondria going on. I forgot to grab my anti anxiety meds from home and debating on running home to take it. I am overwhelmed and I want to shut down but of course I can’t. I want to cry but I can’t. Stupid meds. I want off this roller coaster.
I have dreams of being an estitician. I already have a business plan in mind. It’ll cater to plus sized people. I don’t have the funds though so it remains a dream. I think about wishing I could find a millionaire willing to front me the money but that’ll never happen. Either way it’s good to have dreams I guess.
I’m going to make it so. I got up early put on makeup and made it to work a little early. All positives. I’m tired as usual but feeling good in general. I’m fighting off negativity and doing the best I can. That’s all I got today. It had to be enough.
I must be in a depression. I’m just tired all the time. Maybe your reading this and going duh we can tell. Sigh. It’s not just physically tiring but mentally too.
I went to the gp today. She drew blood and that was about it. I thought for physicals you got more but I guess not.
My divorce lawyer called for some info. I need to call her back just like I need to pay some bills but I’m fearful. Of what I’m not sure.
I am stuck between wanting to live simply and wanting to spend spend spend.
Anyway I am going to go be productive I guess and clean out my extra room in the house or make a dent in it. Hope you all are having awesome days.
I keep saying to myself I suck. I suck I suck. I’ve decided I’m counteracting it with I’m awesome I’m awesome I’m awesome. I feel it’s working currently. Yay me. Is it possible to re wire a bipolar/ borderline personality disorder brain? I think I’ve asked this before. I’m not sure it is but I’ve got to try.