Can you save everyone?

I have a person on my case list that came to my services about a year ago from a suicide attempt and hospital stay. He did amazingly well for 9 months then his ex wife who he never got over died. He stopped taking meds and then fell off from ever seeing me. I knew he needed the support but I can’t hunt down a person. It came time to renew his goals which allow me to be able to see him and during a weekly meeting my supervisor discharged him. During that meeting I did not answer a phone call. I checked it later and it was his brother saying he’d asked for help that morning only to refuse the hospital but erratic enough they put him in a fucking jail cell on a 96 hour hold to find a hospital bed for him.

I tried the week to get a hold of him while in the hospital but they wouldn’t talk to me. He got out last Tuesday saw me Wednesday and it was so heartbreaking. He is still in the throws of erratic psychosis and not the man I came to appreciate as a fighter. He wants such a better life and knows he isn’t well. He’s trying and I give him all the credit in the world.

I share a snippet of his story as I’ve spent the week wondering if anyone can be saved from the torment of mental illness. I am high functioning as much as I don’t like labeling that but really I guess I am. Still I struggle often to maintain that tenuous thread of reality. I so want to “save” him but I know that’s too much of a burden to put in myself. I still worry for him and want a great life for all my people. I know I need to guard my heart as his life is his own but I’m not sure how to.

Back to the grind

Well my four day weekend went way too fast. It doesn’t even feel like Sunday tonight. I’m not sure how I am feeling. Just existing really. It’s daunting. I want so much more out of life. I’m not sure how to make it happen. I really want to write something awesome but I really don’t have anything stunning to share.

The happenings

I’m sitting outside at 4 am a I couldn’t sleep.  I have a sick doggy too so there’s that.  It’s very cold out here.  I liked it at first but now it’s getting uncomfortable. It’s like sitting in my feelings.  At first you feel alive because you have them then they become draining. 

I have a four day weekend with two days left. I am enjoying them. I’m debating on putting the Christmas tree up.

Overall the panic attacks are still occurring so I’m thinking of asking for the klonopin back. I’m not sure if it’s a reaction to not getting it anymore or real. I have some left so I’m not winging it but still. … chicken or the egg…

I’m not sure when I got off track in life financially. Is it this time of year? This is my main concern.

I had a fun dream tonight. I cherish those and want to stay in them forever. Life doesn’t work that way though.

Today is better

I do have anxiety. I don’t see many clients today and hope to cut some hours as to not go over and get my full holiday pay. I’m beyond reading for my four days off. Not only is it those days with family and boyfriend but I really want to go see house of gucci in theaters. Though I might hold off for Tuesday 5 dollar days at the theater.

I reached out on the regret thing and got great resources. Now to follow up on them. I’m still doing some I should be better shit in my head but you can’t overcome everything at once.

Regret

I pulled an oracle card to give me guidance on what is on my mind. I got regret. It’s so true. I couldn’t sleep last night at all. I do have a lot of regret. I think about packing up my house and how it will be a reminder of all the wasted money in projects and hobbies. Regret in how I raised my children and made life choices.

I don’t want to live with regret. I just am not sure how to do better. Is regret expected in life?

Sparingly

I know I’ve been blogging inconsistently but really I have the same worries and crap in my head and just haven’t felt like writing about it.

Christmas is coming up and I’m here for it. I love this holiday. I already have most of the gifts bought and some wrapped. I’m thankful I saved the money for it earlier in the year. It will be a good Christmas.

I’ve been sporadic in taking my meds. Not good I know. I need to figure out what is going on with me. I know deep down I don’t want to go without them but have forgotten to take them like I should. Might be why I’ve had issues with depression.

I have a three day work week then four days off. My boyfriend is going to be here for it so I’m excited. I’m debating taking the week off Christmas off but then think… why waste my pto when I have nothing to do really. My kids are old enough to care for themselves and no where to go so…

My parents are thinking of buying some land and moving. It be a big enough place for us to live together which is something I thought about anyway once I was an empty nester. I’m anxious about it though. I want it to happen but the thought of packing twelve years of stuff is daunting. I want it but see the cons in it too.

My son probably won’t have surgery as the tumor is by his spine and the two major blood vessels to his body. If it’s not bothering him the risk of surgery isn’t worth it.

I guess I should go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Hope you all are doing awesome!

Exhausted

I just woke up for work and I’m already exhausted. This malaise is kicking my physical butt. I really just want to lay in bed all day and sleep.

I can’t pinpoint when this started but man is it overwhelming. To go from getting up early in the morning to wanting to sleep until the last drop of seconds go by. I wish I could fix it but I’m not sure how.

Still here

I haven’t written much which is usually a sign that things are going well… this time not so much. I’ve been obsessed over money and where it all goes. Is it inflation on groceries? Probably more so the impulsive shopping. Getting enough things for free shipping gets me every time.

So there’s that dragging my mood down. The co worker that annoys the piss out of me is back from work and general malaise just has me down.

Today I have the day off to take my son in about his possible upcoming surgery. I am not sure how I feel about that.

Overall I’m still here but when do we go from awesome days to this feeling of shit and survive? I know the worst yet this depression feeling is a struggle too. I just don’t know.

A ball of anxiety

I’m up early again. It’s ok though as I am still behind on my notes and work. My boss has been a bear lately so not cool. She’s off today and Monday and I’m off Tuesday. Maybe that’s a good thing.

I have a lot to get done and no motivation. I’m full of anxiety about almost everything. My job… my sons… my weight… my lack of motivation. It’s like I’m full of thoughts but I don’t know how to fix them so I am frozen.

Nothing gets fixed and hardly anything gets better. I thought I was doing so well then days like this I feel so overwhelmed. Like I’m drowning in my thoughts. It gets so exhausting.

Why can’t it be Friday?

Still behind on my notes so no bonus for me.  Sigh.  Easy come easy go right?

I have to get my son at night now as he started a different job.  I feel asleep trying to stay awake to get him.  He called and woke me up.  I felt so bad.  Thankfully we don’t live far away but because I knew he was sitting outside at night waiting for me the drive there felt like forever. Guilt is a bitch.

My vehicle is fixed though they didn’t know why it acted up so they put in two thermostats and hope that fixes issue. 

I’m trying hard to not buy something I don’t need right now.  I want it bad though.  I can’t afford it right now and it makes me want to be reckless.

I just don’t know about life right now.  I’m in a funk I know.  Some eternal rut. I’m holding on to hope.