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Guilt for me is a weird thing. I feel guilty over things I shouldn’t and things that I know I should I don’t. I can’t figure out why. I have a lot of guilt over work but I think it’s because I feel like I failed. Where in relationships I do things or don’t and should feel guilt but don’t.
I feel a lot of guilt over parenting too. Again I think it’s a perfection thing. That and I want my kids to be happy. Anyway I’m rambling but as I teach myself emotions this is one that is a trigger and tricky for me.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m a narcissistic person but I think in general we all have our moments as we only have ourselves if that makes sense… Anyway I don’t think I’m a true narcissistic personality as I have mixed emotions over feeling like I manipulated my boss. I went to tell her I was leaving and she wanted me to stay so she’s giving my case load to the new guy and I’ll do just one job instead of two. I feel guilty though like I manipulated the situation but sometimes we have to right? It’s a good thing they wanted to retain me and I get to go back to doing the job I love.
I guess I just feel like I should have been able to handle both jobs but I don’t think anyone could. I’m too hard on myself I need to be kinder. But how do I start that process?
Therapy is going amazing. Three sessions in and I feel I’m getting somewhere so that’s refreshing.
Thank you again to all who reached out to me the other day it is so appreciated.
I am a survivor. I struggle nearly every single day but by the grace of God I make it through. I’m thankful for that.
I know I need to make changes in my life. I walk around scared of living. But you have to take chances. I went out last night by myself to socialize and it went well. I feel confident and successful about it. It’s better then staying in my room all alone all the time. No I can’t do it always but once in awhile to be amongst the living is a good thing. I’m proud of myself in this moment.
Today in the aftermath of my dark thoughts I am very sensitive to everything anyone is saying to me. Everything has a double meaning and everyone’s motives are questioned. I’m pretty sure it’s a flight or fight reaction to yesterday but I hate it. I just wish I didn’t give a shit. Why can’t I be one of those people?
** edited to add I am doing much better I got A hold of a friend and using distraction techniques thank you all who responded. It is appreciated.
What do you do when your having thoughts with no plan but they are so loud you can’t ignore them? I tried contacted people but everyone has their own life and hasn’t gotten back to me. I’m at a loss. I don’t want to call a crisis line as last time I ended up in hospital and I’m not there. I just need someone to help get these thoughts out of my head.
I’m envious of people who have case managers or therapists they can call. You are very lucky.
Stupid person who triggered me and stupid me for allowing it.
There is a physical portion to the hiring process. A Dr has to attest to me being without mental illness. But I’m not. So what do I do? Take a chance I pass the physical with a Dr who doesn’t know me saying I’m mentally fit or turn down the job.
I might have already made a boo boo. I called the HR lady and told her I had bipolar and asked if I was automatically disqualified. She said they can’t discriminate and it’ll be up to the doctor to sign off on me. I probably should have kept quite but she’ll see my physical anyway. She was cool about it and said is anyone really without mental health issues? So that’s reassuring. I don’t feel a Dr will hold anything against me not knowing me. But I could be wrong.
I’m home sick. I slept most of the day and now I can’t sleep anymore. Incidentally while sleeping I got the job offer on my voicemail. I called back and got her voicemail. Of course this has me feeling guilty for leaving my boss who has been good to me in a bind but overall they don’t give a shit so why should I right? This move will be better for my mental health. I can’t think of others right? Adulting is hard.
I like this saying. I so need to learn to love me. I talked about it in therapy. How did I get so insecure?
This isn’t entirely true but it needs to be after trying to find that soul mate who might not exist maybe I need to walk with myself while I fix me. But the crux is bipolar can’t be fixed so what do you do?
Just some randomness today. I feel pensive overall. Is that a good thing?