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Hopeless and angry

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I feel hopeless and angry today. I really wanted to post something positive with gratitude but I just can’t. I haven’t felt this way in a couple of months and it sucks. I keep telling myself I’ll cycle out but being in it is so damn powerful. I want change I promise I do but how?

update

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I made one of my phone calls and it went fine. They have to do with money which is a trigger for me so that’s why it’s so bad. Just one more to make.sigh

Also I wanted to share this meme it’s very fitting.

I create problems

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Instead of facing my problems head on I’ve become an ostrich. I have two phone calls I need to make and I keep avoiding them. It’s very negative on my life but I can’t seem to make myself call. What is wrong with me? I have things I need to get done in the house instead of tackling them I nap or watch YouTube. I have work stuff I need to compete yet my day seems to go fast and slow at tyre same time and I get nothing done. I create these problems. I really need a hard hitting therapist to dig deep but where to find one?

So many questions

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How do you know someone is right for you? How do you know it’s healthy and not a co dependant thing? I don’t know if I’d know what a healthy relationship was if it slapped me in the face. I know my current relationship is great for me. He’s understanding, patient, loving, and kind but he’s human. I don’t know if there is anyone on the planet I’d be so in love with I’d want to sirens every waking moment with yet i know these relationships exist. Right? I feel so insecure and inadequate. I had an awesome day but i can’t just enjoy it. There is always a cloud. Anyway these are my current thoughts. Hope you all had an awesome weekend. 🙂 

waiting

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I bought a fancy planner and I’m waiting for it to be made and delivered. I’m obsessed with it because I have all these plans of using it to get my life in order. Like a planner is going to cure me. Does anyone else make or think big plans where certain things people are going to make all the difference? I feel silly for it but at the same time I feel it’ll work. Ugh. It’s like my life’s on hold until this planet gets here. Wtf!

ignorance is bliss

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I’m laying here trying to take a nap. It dawned on me that I was happier before I realized I had mental health issues. I was carefree and didn’t worry about triggers or feeling normal. I made choices and lived with them. Now I’m labeled medicated and regret so many choices. I’m feeling slightly hopeless today probably why I’m thinking of me fifteen years ago and being that girl again. 

me

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I’m struggling today. I just don’t want to be at work. I feel trapped. I have a ton to do so it’s going fast at least. I was hoping my income taxes would be in today but their not. I am full of regret. Why is it you get a good day to have a rough day the next?