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I have all these feels and i can’t decipher a single one. I’m a ball of emotion yet numb at the same time. How is it possible? Well in my head and body it is. I work two more hours and i can’t wait until it’s over then the next two days should go quick as I’m off in the field. I’m still job hunting. I’m still dreaming of selling big beautiful homes. I’m still not divorced or getting child support. The holidays are upon us and I’m spending money i don’t have. I only have up right?
It’s been a few days since i wrote. My moods been ok. Work is work and life is life. I’m feeling a bit melancholy today. I’m home alone which never happens. I’m not sure what to do with myself. I’m reading a book but i get bored easily. I’ll them listen to music then watch a little bit of a movie then back to reading again. I can’t wait for Thanksgiving. It’s my least favorite holiday but i get four days off. Anyway just wanted to update a little. I always wonder about people when they don’t show up in my feed. I can think of a couple of people I’ve gotten to know on here and they don’t post anymore. This is a tight community but very fluid i feel. It’s how mental health goes.
Today i am not anxious despite some meetings going on and being behind at work. It has put me in a good mood. I’m praying it stays that way.
I got my 23 and me results and i don’t have what i could tell any genetic markers for things like Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s. But the ancestry thing was weird. I thought i had a lot of native American genetically but it came back with none. I’m confused. I need to take time and really figure it out. Maybe I’m reading it wrong plus i didn’t see any bipolar stufft thigh i didn’t fully look yet.
All i want to do is sleep. The last two nights I’ve went to bed early. I tell myself I’m just resting my eyes but that’s a lie. I know I’ll fall asleep. Them i get up for about an hour… Like now and piddle around on my phone… Then back to bed. I’m not sure if i should keep doing this or if it’s a problem.
I know i just wrote a post but i need to write again. This utter sadness came over me. It’s made me cold to the bone. The kind of cold you can’t warm up from no matter what. I’d be crying if i could. God help me.
My day started with a mini panic attack. Then a work conversation solidified it. I took my medication because i needed to calm down. I just need to get through this day… Week to thanksgiving and four days off. It’s rainy and dreary here which doesn’t help.
I’m proud of myself I’m plugging away and not full heartedly trying to leave work early. Just a wish which i think is normal for my line of stressful work.
I want to whine about my life but is futile. What good will it do? I feel i have no control to change it though as i say it i know that’s a lie. I have some control. I feel bombarded all the time with emotions that are negative… Anger loneliness apathy to name the top three. I just want a simple life.